Skywire Tours Closed due to Safety Concerns
Skywire Tours is a unique cross between a cable car ride and a roller coaster, which takes riders from place to place and allows them to see the sights in a new way. Anyone who hasn't ridden the Skywire knows someone who has, or knows someone who knows someone who has.
The safety of the ride was first called into question when marine biologist Oliver Aquanaut (age 21) and his wife, Emily (age 19) threatened to sue Skywire Tours after Emily was tossed out of the car during one eventful ride.
"I was sitting in the car, enjoying the sights," Mrs. Aquanaut told the media. "The next thing I knew, I was free-falling. Then I was in the water ... I never took swimming lessons. I would've been a goner if that fisherman hadn't pulled me out!"
Her husband added that although Skywire Tours is advertised as "a thrilling experience you'll never forget ... [that slogan] can be taken two ways. We're never getting on that thing ever again!"
The Aquanauts' misfortune is far from unique. An investigation revealed that over five hundred customers to date have been tossed from Skywire cars due to collisions. In fact, this is not the only safety hazard officials are concerned with: the cars often go underwater without proper water protection, forcing the passengers to hold their breaths. Also, the rails are often very brittle, and have a tendency to fall off during rides, often taking the car with them.
"We can't believe this one slipped by us," safety inspector Donald Dangull (age 33) explained. "Mr. Trommey has a lot of explaining to do."
Nye Trommey refused to comment other than to say that he "will personally look into" the safety issue.
RELATED ARTICLES:
National Recall on Hotairre Transportation Balloons - p. 2
"Magneboy" Action Figure a Hit Among Kids and Adults Alike - p. 5
Mountain-Climbing: Professional Advice from Dr. Frostbite - p. 6
Wewt. I have to say. Thats funny.
Nice. Cute. And a total WTF.
Out of way right field.
Love this site.
XDXDXD...
I'm a big fan of your narrative walkthroughs. You should make more of them. And more of these. :P
There must currently be a real drought on actual quality-games.
I expected such negativity from you Fuzzyface. =/
Can't you be a little more warm and positive in your comments? Your negativity is not only disrespectful to SonicLover, it's also boring.
I expected such a response.
Well this feature was a funny move, especially considered to the allegations and the defense just a day ago in the Mutiny discussion.
IMHO its a hidden double-feature, there for my tongue in cheek tone, and since you understood it in its minimal form, there must be IMHO a core of truth :)
Otherwise I like narratives.
Much better. Thank you. ^_^
(the "I like narratives" part)
(And we have several reviews already lined up in the queue waiting to get published.)
This is a really funny blog entry! Good job!
Oh, how I love satire. Well played, SonicLover. :o)
It is very disappointing to see such standards relaxed. I am of the strong opinion that sites like this should be held accountable for their visitor's experience, and I find it a shame that the stringent requirements I am used to have been cut loose.
The fact that over so many people have had negative experiences due to this careless person's actions makes me loose faith in humanity as a whole.
A certain somebody ought to be ashamed of themselves.
Mr. Nye Trommey, I am looking at you!
SonicLover (Son, I clover?), once again, great work. I always enjoy reading your witty posts, and like Sheer_Cold, am a big fan of your narrative walkthroughs.
To those of you that are confused, in my previous paragraph:
site = the Skywire Tours park
standards = roller coaster standards
there must be something in the water...i work next to a bottling facility, i should know...vote Quimby!
If you thought fuzzy's comment was negative, Jay, you should take a look at every other site on the internet. No, but seriously, I'm surprised this site maintains such a community atmosphere.
O_o I rode the skywires once but....I almost got eaten by a big robot whale! And also a robot gator head!
Josh - It's because I pounce on people that don't conform. :p
(*meow*)
^ I can confirm that. :P
Amusing little article.
wctaiwan
When I started reading this, I thought "Skywire... doesn't that sound familiar?" It didn't occur to me that the "humor" tag meant "joke" and not "funny game". Very nice. I'm surprised that no one complained about family members being eaten by whales ;)
"The Aquanauts' misfortune is far from unique. An investigation revealed that over five hundred customers to date have been tossed from Skywire cars due to collisions. In fact, this is not the only safety hazard officials are concerned with: the cars often go underwater without proper water protection, forcing the passengers to hold their breaths."
Cracked me up! Especially the part in bold, because it's both totally absurd yet also very true. You guys need to do this sort of thing more often. That was awesome!
Oh and I love the little b/w newsprint screen grab you included, too. :D
i almost got fooled by you...i was wondering what happened...and then i realized it's fake...
Long-time reader, first-time poster coming out of lurking. I've been a fan of SonicLover's work--and Jay's site!--for quite some time now. It's good to see SL's hysterical talent brought out of the comments and into the big time!
I'm having some difficulties registering myself at the site though. Can one of y'all help...? Thanks!
--TwoDragons
Hi TwoDragons! Thanks for the comment. ^_^
I can help. What's the trouble you're experiencing?
Hi Jay! :-)
My problem seems to be, that my login password didn't "take". I filled everything out on the registration page, got the confirmation email, clicked the link and immediately went back to log in...and it said my password was invalid.
Perhaps this is God's way of telling me I should be washing dishes instead of slacking off...*grin*
--TwoDragons
I've sent an email to the address you used when you created your account. I'll try to help you via email. :)
Ah, success! Thanks a bazillion, Jay!
--TwoDragons
Excellent entry! This game is way more fun now, thinking of the Man on his way to shut me down as I play.
I'm glad everyone likes this. I wonder how the folks at Nitrome will react when they see it.
Oh, and you can count on seeing another "news article" like this one soon... ;-)
Hehe. Sonic, I've noticed your narrative walkthroughs and greatly enjoy them. I do hope you're helping give Jay a sense of humor, as he can sometimes seem lacking in that area. Anywho, kudos to the article here, it gave me a nice little laugh, and keep up the good work, both Sonic and Jay. ;3
I just wanted to chip in too and say that the sense of community is something I've appreciated too. I came to this site for the game links, stayed for the hints and walk throughs, and was very much wowed by the involvement by the article writers, site creators and game creators in the comments.
A lot of sites just put up their content and sometimes they'll reply to the comments in the first day, or the first page. Most of the time they let the readers duke it out in the comments with no supervision at all. And oddly enough, often the page creator has moved on, leaving his second generation moderators or posters in his wake.
So how surprised was I to not only see this Jay who is games, but that he (and the posters, and the game creators being reviewed), will comment on old threads, some several pages long? My hat goes off to you, good people :D
Aww, look what you've done, you've made my day. ^_^
On behalf of everyone here at JIG, thank you kindly.
Haha, I loved that. Especially the 'This fake news article was brought to you by SonicLover, pioneer of the narrative walkthrough.' thing.
you forgot the giant mechanical killer animals!! i'm sueing them for millions for the cougar/panther attack!!
funny article
This text and the other one are great!
I've dicided to make up my own narrative walkthrough ^^
When I will translate it to English, I'll Submit it to you Jay, by mail ^_^
I like this, it's cute. There should be one about Toxic, and now Final Ninja.
Update