Eight months without a twitch, tremble, or even so much as a tic. One entire blessed year without nightmares of lasers, rockets, and electrified elevators. I could even sing the alphabet song without stuttering halfway through.
Do you realize what a person has to go through to forget?
Twelve months of therapy. Two week-long yoga retreats in the Bahamas. Three months in an Amish village, followed by the inevitable conversion to Buddhism. Conversion to Orthodox Judaism. Conversion to Zoroastrianism. Back to Buddhism for a bit, then to an unnamed folk religion from the depths of the Sri Lankan jungle. Heck, I even tried Scientology™©®!
All for nothing.
Of course you didn't. You're too busy using your happy little [arrow] keys to navigate your happy little ball around your happy little level, collecting your happy little coins and rolling to your happy little exit. Fine. You'll run into them soon enough.
Oh, they're not all there, but the worst of them sure are: Rocket-man. Laser-dude. Mister Tank. Scumbags I thought I'd left behind long ago, now back to taint my days and haunt my nights. They've brought some new friends, too: Miss Mimic, Larry Laser-scan, Greg the Gravity Grenade, Cab Catapult, Maya Minethrower, Fannie Flamethrower. All in the name of new and creative ways to skin a casual gamer.
Let me ask you something: do you ever have that dream where you kill yourself over and over? Sometimes you get so proficient at it that you can tell exactly when and how it's going to happen. Other times you find new and creative ways to off yourself. In the end it doesn't matter, you're still going to die. And die again... and again... Listen friend, for some of us it was more than a dream, it was an obsession. Do you realize how much damage one's fragile psyche incurs when one gets killed over and over, yet willingly and repeatedly puts oneself back on the path towards certain death?
Don't you try to tell me this Evito Ball is tough. You weren't there. Only those who were part of The Way can truly know the suffering it caused. This cruel imposter's just not the same, and thank Buddha for that! (Yeah, I went back again.) The differences are the only reason I'm here writing this and not slobbering away in some asylum. To start with, there's only 80 levels, and every 20 or so the scenery changes, shielding you from the oppressive grey on gray monotony. Plus, you don't even have to worry about gravity! Now, I admit that the physics of Evito Ball may not be quite as forgiving, but why don't you remind me what happens when you exceed your allotted time, hmm? Oh, you only get one gold star instead of two? That's too bad. Used to be the worst way to go, running out of time. You'd be leaping toward the exit when *BANG!* Spontaneous combustion FTL!
Now that's the sort of memory that earned my shrink a brand-new yacht. Twelve months of therapy down the drain, and all because of this two-bit, stinking Evito Ball. Well, I guess it goes to show that once you've traveled The Way of the Ninja, it becomes part of you for life. *sigh*
Anyway, I suppose outside of that particular context, it's probably a pretty enjoyable little game. So go ahead, you whippersnapper,