Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon

May 8, 2008

Tags: action adultswim arcade flash free game macwinlinux pg13 surgery

By Psychotronic | add to favorites | add to your website | add this!

Psychotronic Update: 3rd and final chapter now available to play!
(Warning: This game features excessive cartoon violence, adult themes and potentially offensive language.)

The story goes like this. Alan Probe is a slovenly pizza delivery boy obsessed with pipe dreams of becoming a master surgeon. One day, while distracted by thoughts of doctorly fame, Alan smacks his delivery van into a staggering hobo, shattering the poor man's rib cage and inadvertently launching them both on a new and fateful career path. The fallen vagrant urges Alan to perform emergency surgery on him with whatever tools are handy. Open him up, drag his ribs into place, and sew him back together, easy as pie. Convenient pizza cutter in hand, Alan obliges, directed at every step by his patient and new mentor.

Who is this mysterious hobo? If he was once a successful surgeon, how did he fall so far? What secrets hide in the underbelly of this corrupt and vicious city? Why are everyone's mouths drawn so big?

These are the enigmas of Adult Swim's Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon, a cartoonish and casually offensive entry into the simon-says-surgery genre made famous(ish) by Atlus' Trauma Center. The gameplay is wide open the same way ducks are eloquent. They are not, and it isn't. Your job is to follow the exact requirements of each surgery as quickly and as accurately as possible. A dashed yellow line means you need to select your pizza cutter and draw along it. An object stuck in a wound is your cue to get out the tongs. An open laceration needs to be stapled shut.

That's right. Instead of surgical stitches, you use a stapler. And your operating surface is a bloody pool table. One of your patients is a man who has attacked himself with a nail gun in order to sue the tool company. His name is Insurance-fraud Claude. If that made you chuckle, or if you're already a fan of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming line-up, I think you'll enjoy Amateur Surgeon. If it sounds totally stupid, or gratuitous cartoon violence bothers you, you should probably skip this one.

The game will give you instructions as you play, but the gist of it is this. Choose your off-beat surgical implement from a menu at the top of the screen. You can either click on it or press the appropriate number key, which is much faster, and soon becomes necessary since you'll be under time restrictions. When you've dealt with all of your current patient's injuries and stapled him shut, you win the level. If his heart rate drops too low, either because time ran out or you've done the wrong thing too many times, the patient dies, and you'll have to start the level over from the beginning.

When this review was first written there was only the first chapter out of a planned trilogy. Now all 3 Acts are up and available to play with each one comprising about ten episodes and promising many wacky adventures, including secret levels. If you enjoyed this one the first time around, you won't want to miss the conclusion!

Analysis: Amateur Surgeon is blessed with the finest production values a second-tier television network can buy, with bright, detailed environments and an ever-present sense of self-conscious irony. There's even a halfway interesting story, although obviously we're not talking Shakespeare here (unless you mean Titus Andronicus). The violence is so over-the-top that it's not really gross, but there's still plenty of comically intense moments to go around. Especially the stuff with the chainsaw.

Most of your interaction with the game should go pretty smoothly, except for a handful of places where you'll need to be unreasonably fast and precise, touch-pad operators be warned. The game's biggest flaw otherwise is that it's too repetitive. Most of your time is spent searing wounds closed with the lighter and then glopping a numbing gel on the scar, and you have to do it over and over and over again. Most patients are just covered with gashes both inside and out, and while this can be justified by the ridiculous nature of their injuries, it still feels like an artificial method of making the levels longer.

But what can you do? The point of this game is to tell grisly visual jokes and amuse you, not to supply multi-layered strategic gameplay depth. It does its job well, and the gameplay is actually better than it needs to be. Some of the surgeries have a crazy, inventive edge to them that bodes well for the coming chapters. The developers aren't taking themselves at all seriously, which is enough reason to give this a try even if you've already played both Trauma Center and the Dark Cut series. I give it two severed thumbs up. Get to slicin'.

Currently 4.7/5
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Rating: 4.7/5 (270 votes cast)

Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon walkthrough now available!

Walkthrough Guide

They were all fairly straight-forward, except the last one. Here's how you do it:

Intro:

Slice into the guy and start patching up scars. By now, the (stitch)/cauterize/salve method should be second nature. Once you get the cuts all healed, bugs will pop out of his heart. Grab the car battery (#9 on the line) and start bug zapping. Be VERY careful that you don't kill him off, or else you'll have to restart his heart. Just zap anywhere on the screen and you'll be given about 5 points on the heart monitor; refill to a respectable level with the corkscrew and salve. Once the bugs are dead, patch him up again.

Here's the tricky part:

Now you'll have to perform open heart surgery. Go into the inner chambers of his heart and break out the etch-a-sketch. You'll see a very large, suspicious blob. Cut it open and a few more bugs will race about the screen. Zap them, then zap the hole a few times to get the queen to come out. Repeat this about two more times and the last queen will pop out with about five friends. Kill them all and you'll be taken back outside the heart. Patch up the scar on his heart to be taken back to the skin, and patch that up.

Posted by: Illarion | February 27, 2008 3:29 PM

How to Beat Eddy in Act 2

First of all, you need to become an expert at your procedures. By now, closing up wounds, clearing out poison, and the rest should be second-nature to you. However, you need to hone them in to become as efficient as (in)humanly possible. Here's a list of special techniques for your tools:

Lighter

Odds are, you know that the lighter is the tool to cauterize wounds. However, you may not know why: when wounds are cauterized, they can't leak blood. One of the biggest yet unnoticed hassles of this game is obscured vision due to excess blood. Unless you catch a wound early, the time sucker--I mean, vacuum--will NOT help you in this department. So, whenever you make a cut, memorize its shape, end points, and direction before it gets covered up. Also note that your flame is not produced directly at the tip of your cursor but rather in a cloud-shaped pattern above it. So, when a wound needs to be closed, the cloud itself, not the cursor, controls how quickly it closes. Note also that different wounds have a higher priority, meaning that the lighter will apply its work to a certain scar before the others. Experiment with this, because if you're spending a lot of time on one wound and it's not closing, it's probably because it's looking at your incomplete effort on another wound instead. Before facing Eddy, try tackling one of the very first missions to perfect the timing--it has to spend a certain amount of time on the wound and cover it from tip to tip.

Healing Salve

The salve is a life-saver, quite literally. It slowly returns some of the patient's health--or at least keeps it from dropping quickly--and completes the healing of a wound. It also has a hidden function. Whenever a wound is cauterized, it can spend a certain amount of time before it reopens and starts to bleed again. The salve stops this for good. The salve faces the same problem as the lighter: it produces a cloud-shaped blob above the cursor rather than at the cursor itself. So, adjust your motions accordingly. The same priority applies to the salve as it does to the lighter, so experiment to determine which wounds will heal first. Unlike the lighter, using salve never hurts the patient, so you can hold down the mouse button while dragging the salve over every wound on the board in sequence. Again, practice on Gracefuls or Cletus because you need to spend a certain amount of time and cover the wound from tip to tip.

Stapler

In order to keep a wound shut, you need to apply staples. Now, round holes usually take one, but other wounds take more. The idea is to get the bare minimum of staples in order to get it closed. Most need to be secured twice: perhaps half an inch near each end, but not too far apart. A third staple might be necessary, but the idea is to use as few as possible lest time be wasted. Finally, when the wound is ready to be cauterized, you'll see an "OK" or similar comment, so watch carefully for it.

Vacuum

This sucks up everything, including time. Generally, for poison, you'll want to suck up all the discolored bits--but it will also suck up stray blood. If you don't get all of the bits within a (very) brief window of time, the poison will leech back into the cut marks and infect again, so act quickly. When dealing with only one poison wound, place the vacuum about 1 to 1.5 inches away from it, on a side that's clear of blood and other wounds. When dealing with two poison wounds, place it somewhere between the two and preferably away from as many other wounds as possible. Make sure to get an "OK" or better before switching out to a different tool--that means you've gotten it all up and it can't spread again. If you need to practice this, try Lumbar, Valerie, and Karl. If you do Karl without too much stress, you'll be golden.

Corkscrew

As you know, you need to use this many, many times in order to get a patient back to a steady heartbeat and continue with a surgery. The best advice is to guess how much life you'll need ahead of time and fill 'er up to there. Also, try placing the corkscrew less than an inch below the salve button--at this place, you hardly ever get a cut. Cuts are bad because they take up time, so be careful. Finally, never forget to choose the salve each time; if you need another tool, make sure it's in your hand when you click on it.

Car Battery

At some point when dealing with Eddy, you'll begin to realize that he's not going to make it, usually because you're low on time. Grab the car battery an' give him a jolt to kill him and get back to the beginning faster.

Pizza Cutter and Chainsaw

To tell the difference between a line that requires a pizza cutter and one that needs a chain saw, consider what you're cutting. A chainsaw needs to be called in when you have to cut through bone, metal, and discolored (faulty) organs. The pizza cutter can cut through skin, into the inner chamber of an organ, and into regular flesh (whatever the background may be). However, neither of these are appropriate for the two big red spots on Eddy's stomach because

those are open wounds and need to be stapled shut.

Now then, let's move on to the patient. Skin Level

Immediately grab the pizza cutter and go to town on the poison marks. Each one should take three whacks to bring the poison to the surface. Get them both open and then put the vacuum cleaner directly between the two. Run your cursor back and forth as you're holding the mouse button town to suck up the mess. Make SURE you see TWO "OK"s or better before grabbing the stapler. Do you see those two huge red marks on Eddy's stomach? Those are bite wounds and need to be stapled shut. It looks like the dog bit the poor guy's kidney, so you'll need to get inside as quickly as possible. Put a staple on each half of the bite to make it shrink down to a manageable scar; finish the wound and hit the others. Clean them all up, and hopefully you'll be at 3:45 or close to it. Now, before slicing in, get his health back up with a few dozen turns of the corkscrew. You need Eddy's health to be between 70 and 90 in order to succeed, so don't skimp on this step! When you're ready, grab the cutter an' dive in.

Phase I

Immediately you'll see more poison growing. Obviously, his damaged kidney will have to wait. Now, this is the hardest part: you need to get all of it up as soon as possible, or else it will spread. Slice open JUST the two on the left. YES, I know that one on the left is tempting. YES, it's getting bigger. NO, don't work on it yet. Open the two on the right and put the vacuum directly between it. Make absolutely sure you remember the positions, end points, and directions of the resulting scars--you'll need to know soon. Once they're both gone, turn your attention to the third. Now, about the time you get it open, you may or may not see a fourth poison. IGNORE IT. Make sure you get all of the third wound up before turning to the fourth. Once you're done, you can turn your attention to the scars.

Phase II

Now, the tricky part is closing up the scars. Odds are, you can't even see them. That's why you memorized where they were, right? ...right? If not, you'll have to go crazy with the lighter running circles all over them until you get some hits. Remember that some wounds take priority and if you're not closing one, it's probably because another hasn't been fully closed yet. Get them all fixed up an' you can turn your attention to the kidney.

From there, it's insanely straight-forward. You've done the rest on

Meat Sack Jack,

so practice before ye go.

Posted by: Illarion | March 14, 2008 5:13 PM

Comments (may contain spoilers)

anyone know how to beat stuporman? (he's a secret file)
I've unlocked him, but I can't into him the second time around.

Posted by: Anonymous | April 21, 2008 7:19 PM

I Love this game and i beat stuporman in the secret file you have to use the pizza cutter first then the chainsaw the second time but if anyone knows how to unlock the other two secret files and when act three comes out let me know.

Posted by: Anonymous | April 21, 2008 9:37 PM

Oh please, Bum can't be unlocked until act 3 comes out. It's pretty obvious by now.

Do really believe that someone who asks for help because they're stuck in a character has achieved the one thing NO-ONE else has? Makes me laugh to even read their comment.

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | April 22, 2008 12:37 PM

To Everyone Asking About Stuporman: Stuporman gets harder to cut into with every piece of craptonite you take out of him. It already happened when you were removing the pieces during the first segment (if you did them one at a time), but you might have thought you simply missed the line. The answer is simple: keep cutting over the same line back and forth until you get in.

To Everyone Asking About Bum: The creator already confirmed in the Adult Swim forums that the last two secret files are unlocked with Part III.

Posted by: Black Drazon | April 22, 2008 5:53 PM

Well, I finished both Act I and II, but no A's....(kudos to those who did--I'm impressed)
I was basically a C student, with a handful of B's, a couple D's, and one F. Sad, I realize, looking at everyone's comments...=(

Do I need ALL A's to have a secret patient file unlock?

Is that the only way? Or if I got just BETTER grades would it be possible? Please answer...Thanx

Posted by: weevala | April 23, 2008 12:45 AM

to beat stupord man you scan
remove the stuff
and you have to keep cutting over because his skin gets tougher
in the next bit though
u have to use the chainsaw

Posted by: tylah | April 24, 2008 5:30 AM

I'm actually stuck on Edgar as well. I made two incisions and now I don't know what to do. What's the next step?

Posted by: Monty | April 24, 2008 10:13 PM

How the hell do you beat joe.. :S so hard

Its ACT 2

example

Donny is cool :) PIMP!

Posted by: Polly | April 25, 2008 4:22 PM

i need help beating karl i have done it multiple times but he keekps dying by the time i get to the coffee bags i really need help because i cant move on until i get this one done please make a very detail spoiler for me i would really appreciate it

Posted by: Anonymous | April 27, 2008 12:59 AM

I've been having A LOT of trouble loading this game the past two or three weeks... it freezes in the "adult swim video" blue screen and never gets to load the game no matter how long I wait or how mny times I refresh.

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | April 28, 2008 12:55 AM

For the people that were asking:

ACT II

Walthroughs for:

KARL (Coffee guy)

1. Open his chest. 2. Once inside cut all three stains of coffee and vaccum all the poison (remember that to use the vaccum properly you need to follow the red line with your mouse -place the arrow inside the red block-). Now, this is key: Do not cauterise the cuts. Let them bleed. This will make his heart pressure drop and give you time to work on the rest. 3. Use the magna doodle to x-ray him and locate all three coffee bags. 4. Use the cutter to 'release' the first one, use the tongs to extract it as you previously did with glass and bullets. Once you remove the bag a coffee stain will start to spread. Use the cutter on it. Vacuum thoroughly. Do not cauterise. 5. Repeat with coffee bag #2 and then #3. Remember: one at a time. 6. Once you're done with the cutting and vacuuming start to cauterise. Begin with the first three original sets of cuts. Remember it's three small cuts per stain. (If it's too bloody and you can't see them use the vaccum to clear the area bit). Once you're done with them seal the three new sets (you'll need to use the stapler on the holes left behind by the coffee bags). 7. Staple the chest wound, cauterise and use gel. ZEE END.

EDGAR (Steroids guy)

1. Use cutter to open the chest 2. Use cutter to make the fist cut where the yellow lines appear. 3. A tray will appear with a pill. Use the tongs to pick it up and DO NOT RELEASE THE MOUSE until you're over the open cut. Move at medium speed because if you move too fast you'll drop it and will sort of poison him. Once you have the pill on top of the wound release the mouse to drop the pill. Use the stapler, lighter and gel to close the cut as usual. 4. Repeat the same procedure two more times. 5. Close up the chest. 6. Use cutter to open the chest where the new yellow line indicates. 7. You're working on his heart now. Do the same you did before with the pills.

JOE (Worm guy)

1. Close up all the cuts on his chest using the usual stapler, lighter & gel for large cuts, and lighter and gel for small cuts. 2. Use the cutter to make an incision where indicated. 3. Now comes the tricky part. The guy has a worm inside you need to kill and remove. You need to use the battery to kill it so select it as soon as you go inside. Zapping it is a matter of speed and accuracy mostly. The worm will leave a trail of small cuts you need to pay attention to. It will make 5 small cuts before showing his ugly wormy face. You need to zap him 3 times here for which you have two options: #1. Hit it once when it first appears, wait for it to leave a new trail of cuts, hit it once again, wait for it to leave the new trail and zap it once again. #2. Zap it three times in a row the first time it appears. This one is of course the best alternative and that's why it's a matter of speed and accuracy. Both options work but with the first one you'll end up having to heal a lot of small cuts and with the second one only five :D Whatever the technique, once you hit it three times he will dissappear. Heal the cuts and move on. 4. You're back on the chest. Didn't you just heal all those? Yep, but wormy keeps causing havoc. Staple, cauterise and then use the cutter to go inside again. 5. Ohhh, it's back.And inside his heart! Same thing here: zap it three times using either of the alternatives I mentioned before. But this time after the third hit you killed it!! Use the magna doodle to locate it. Use the cutter to open and the tongs to remove it. Be careful, it's a looooong creature. Drop it on the tray. Heal the wounds.

Hope this helps, I tried to be as descriptive as possible.

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | April 28, 2008 2:34 AM

Ok sorry for this new post, but I don't know why the walthroughs I just posted look like that, I submitted them properly spaced :(

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | April 28, 2008 2:38 AM

i feel really dumb but i cant beat eddy in actI. i keep trying to cut the yellow line on his collar, but it says im missing it and cutting him. advice/hints/help???

Posted by: Chlobear99 | April 28, 2008 7:28 PM

Chlobear99, you're using the chainsaw for that, right?

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | April 28, 2008 8:03 PM

I'm having problems with Vince. I cauterize his wounds and then they set fire which I have managed to put out. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. What's up with that?

Posted by: Corinne | April 29, 2008 12:38 PM

Act III is now available!

Posted by: plato | April 29, 2008 12:38 PM

Ok this is really weird. I went to play this game at school today and act 3 was available. Now it's not! Whats going on?

Posted by: Meghan | April 29, 2008 1:13 PM

Whoops, an admin over at adultswim just posted in the forum to say that the version of Act 3 that was posted was unfinished an mistakenly went live (actually a good thing b/c boy was it difficult!)

Posted by: plato | April 29, 2008 2:07 PM

i am playing trying to get Bum and Act3... my friend unlocked both and he said that to get Act3 you must have Bum(maybe Stuporman). How can i unlock Bum?
i know that Stuporman you must put 3 secret staples on him and i know where... but what can i do to unlock Bum?

[Edit: Act 3 isn't out yet, as of the time of this comment. -Jay]

Posted by: Anonymous | May 6, 2008 5:15 PM

A on Bleed:
do him in 14 or minus.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 6, 2008 5:20 PM

Do you mean finish Bleed in 14 seconds or less in regard to unlocking Bum??? Any response would be greatfully appreciated!

Posted by: Dinah | May 7, 2008 1:38 AM

Official post on the Adult Swim forums, as of 2:50pm ET, Amateur Surgeon 3 is out!

If you said you had it before then, you caught the accidental post, or you're lying :P.

Posted by: Black Drazon | May 8, 2008 3:07 PM

how do you kill the bugs on Trent in Act 3? I've tried slicing, picking them up, burning, electrocuting...nothing's working. what am i missing (or not doing right)?

Posted by: Kat | May 8, 2008 3:36 PM

Kat:

Try the chainsaw

Posted by: sparrow | May 8, 2008 3:51 PM

@ Kat: I just got one to sqeuak with (of all things) the chainsaw.

Posted by: Conman | May 8, 2008 3:52 PM

Act 3 is a *lot* harder in general. The last surgery is brutal, but very fun. :) Looking forward to hearing what you guys think.

Posted by: SwimCeej | May 8, 2008 4:19 PM

Oh man. I have officially given up on the second man in act 3.

3 times you have to zap that spider! It gets me every time.

Posted by: Stevie Dee | May 8, 2008 4:28 PM

You have to hit the scorpions with the chainsaw, each one has to be hit 3 times before it dies. When it dies it leaves poison in it's spot!

Posted by: Dinah | May 8, 2008 4:32 PM

How do I beat Trent on Act three, any tips if so, post them ASAP. Thanx people

Posted by: Libby | May 8, 2008 4:44 PM

So let's talk Act 3, eh?

Patient 1: Trent II

Chainsaw the scorpions three times, which will cause them to break out in poison pools! Once you get inside, you'll have to deal with the Queen, who you have to hold the chainsaw down on and will split into 3 scorpions AND a poison pool when she dies. Nasty! Keep your vitals up and the wounds closed!

Patient 2: Peter

Peter is pretty tame until you get inside his stomach. To avoid the frustration, ignore the eggs inside his stomach, they don't affect your vitals until you cut them, so concentrate on the Queen. Get your vitals to around 40 and then cut open the Queen's hive. Two poison pools will form. Cut them and, if you're fast, burn them to keep them from taxing your vitals (the next poison pool spawns randomly, but normally I can pull this much off before it does). Then, shock the hive three times to get the Queen to come out and QUICKLY shock her. She retreats immediately. Clean up your mess, raise vitals and do it twice more. Be aware that the third shock will kill her, prompting her to drop two more poison pools, so try to have extra vitals for that. Lastly, wipe out those eggs and close up.

Patient(s) 3: Henchman and Boss

Two operations in a row, ten minutes between them. The only thing new here are the leeches. Burn them for a while to kill them, then remove them and then their teeth to be allowed to staple the wound. The Leech King is nothing special, except that he splits into some smaller ones. The leeches grow as the level goes on... the wounds they cause can look ridiculously stupid if you try to finish the rest of the operation before them like I did before I knew to burn them ;).

Patient 4: Junk II

Cut him open, clear out ALL the food and then use the Itch-A-Sketch, and memorize the numbers that appear (they never change). Cut the metal clasps holding down the wires in the order the numbers show (so cut the wire attached to #1 first). Both sides of the clasp have to be cut, though I've only ever seen that happen on #1. Now, remove the pins from the tubes at the bottom (all the food has to be done to do this, even the small ones). Lastly, burn the fuses in the bottom right.

Patient 5: Aureola

Fire, fire everywhere, and no blood to stop it! Do not heal her wounds or you'll regret it. Corkscrew some vitals into her and hope you make a few more bleeding cuts along the way! Keep all the blood you can find, the rest of this mission is pretty much identical to Eddy 1, just with the aforementioned blood shortage. Doesn't Alan have a tap he can run somewhere?

Patient 6:

Bleed 2

Okay, multiple phases. The first is all poison. Unless you're going for a high score, start in the top right where the pools are close enough to get at once, then work your way across. Gather all the blood you can during this, because the next phase is fire. Extract the burning blob from the wound and leave the cut open to give you more blood for the other fires. Next is ice, which is a simple extraction. Go quickly! Last of all is a 5-hit tapeworm. You can generally only get 3 hits at a time, though, so be careful. Also, did you know you can hurt a tapeworm while it's under the skin if you're careful? Not many people do. I'm sure you know how to deal with things from there.

Patient 7: Horrace II

Don't bother to heal him, as I haven't found a way to do this without stopping his heart, though feel free to correct me. Cut in and start fighting the Mighty Morphin' Parasites. Remember what I said about hurting a tapeworm under the skin? As far as I can tell, you have to do that now (though I might be wrong). This will cause the centipede (!!) to surface. QUICKLY chainsaw him once, and he will burst and become the Queen Spider. Shock her (and the patient, to restart his heart) quickly, raise vitals and treat as normal, noting that you've already done the first shock, so be ready for her to die and drop poison after the SECOND hive.

The second section is with the Queen Ant, which is no different than in Horrace I.

Lastly, the Queen Scorpion, which is unbelievably hard when you start off on 0 vitals. Do your best to heal while the Queen is still alive, as she does much less damage than her babies or the cuts you make to stop them (stop her from attacking with brief chainsaw bursts). If you can deal with all the damage you caused wiping up the scorpions, you win and unlock the Delerium bonus operation!

Posted by: Black Drazon | May 8, 2008 5:19 PM

how do you beat trent in part 3? i cant zap the scorpions >.>

Posted by: rawr | May 8, 2008 5:21 PM

Okay, beat The Delirium. Unlike how I hoped, it didn't unlock Bum, which means I'm completely in the dark.

Secret Patient 2: The Delirium

How's your chainsaw arm? Your biggest problem is that you can't heal, so this is all about doing things right the first time. Just chainsaw the yellow lines, remove whatever's inside/the old parts and place in the new ones, then cauterize (!) and gel (!). If you make it, you win. If you don't... well...

See, trouble is is that there's a glitch. If you lose, it seems that the back-left pipe won't get a replacement part once you remove it and you'll be stuck. The only way to fix this is to reload the flash file. If anyone has an Adult Swim account, I'd love if you could report that.

Posted by: Black Drazon | May 8, 2008 5:33 PM

Hey, Black Drazon - is there a way you could make some youtube videos of these? Or, perhaps, at least tell us what exactly the plot is? I'm really curious to know where this goes, but have neither the skill nor the time to play this act right now...thanks!

Posted by: bc | May 8, 2008 5:44 PM

Okay, is the game working INCREDIBLY slow for anybody else?

I mean, I was able to finish Trent without that problem but once I got inside Peter everything went into a very weird slow motion.

On a different note, Act III is awesome so far!! *claps enthusiastically*

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | May 8, 2008 6:03 PM

I don't know if anyone else has discovered this, and I apologize for the vulgarity, but

If you rearrange the letters in Alan, you get Anal Probe ¬_¬

Posted by: Farrhago | May 8, 2008 7:05 PM

A game review sometimes is just incomplete without a dig at Titus Andronicus. I would like to give a gold star... nay! I give one of those scratch and sniff stickers that your teacher would give you when you did really well to Psychotronic for being the first person to ever bring up Titus in a game review. However, I don't know what it is, but I feel compelled to defend that dookiestorm of a play... maybe it's that movie with Anthony Hopkins...

Posted by: Cthulhu2 | May 8, 2008 7:06 PM

I need help... In Horrace II, Act 3:

After you've killed Queen ant and have to deal with Queen Scorpion... how the heck do you do it? I'm left with 0 vitals and the battery doesn't seem to work to revive him. Twice he died on me without giving me time to even try to cauterize or pass the Etchy Sketchy to locate it. I don't know what to do.

Any tips for that particular part would be greatly appreciated!

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | May 8, 2008 8:24 PM

Does anyone know how to actually access Part 3??? I've clicked and I've clicked until I could click no more, but it still only shows Part 1 and Part 2 unlocked...
Thanks!

Posted by: Ladybug | May 9, 2008 6:16 AM

This is going back a bit, but has ANYONE beaten the 1st Horace with a trackpad? I swear it's impossible!

Posted by: Anonymous | May 9, 2008 8:38 AM

I can't find the Queen in Trent...I get to the lungs, and there's a hole at the centre where scorpions crawl out of, but no Queen!!!

Posted by: nianqiao | May 9, 2008 9:07 AM

I just can't beat Cletus.
Whenever I heal him I just go to 200 bpm and he dies.
Do you have to wait until the timer runs out?

Posted by: Fireaxe888 | May 9, 2008 9:25 AM

Big hint for the final mission in Act 3:

I see people suggesting you need the battery to hurt the centipede. This is not true! Just estimate the centipede's position by the cuts, and stab with the chainsaw. This makes life MUCH easier, because you won't need to restore vitals like when the heart stops.

I hope that helps! Also, regarding BUM,

He unlocked for me after the Delerium mission. I did happen to have all A ranks for act 1, and nothing under a C for 2, 3, and the secret missions. Perhaps his appearance is tied to scores or ranks?

Posted by: SirNiko | May 9, 2008 10:10 AM

I'm getting the same thing as nianqiao - I cut open Trent's chest, kill the two scorpions, get the hole between his lungs using the etchy-sketchy, then all that comes out of the hole are more scorpions. Is there anything else I have to do to get to the Queen?

Posted by: Peasnquiet | May 9, 2008 10:17 AM

Lol never mind, I got it. Power of posting! XD

@nianqiao

Use the chainsaw on the middle of the hole

Posted by: Peasnquiet | May 9, 2008 10:22 AM

@bc: Hm, I could probably do some videos but I'll admit, I wouldn't know the first thing about it. What programs are good for that?

@SirNiko: Ah, that makes sense! Chainsawing blind is definitely less dangerous than heart-stopping blind, that's for sure. And it's good to see that Bum is unlocked based on something less than "Get All A's" becuase that would have sucked. XD

Posted by: Black Drazon | May 9, 2008 12:08 PM

I am having issues with Dr. Bleed on act 3. I dont seem to have enough time to get save him. I can do everything except for the tapeworm and someone here mentioned that you can get the tapeworm while its under the skin. I dont know how to get the tapeworm while he's under the skin...can anyone help me?

Posted by: lvsoldier | May 9, 2008 12:08 PM

In my case BOTH Delirium and Bum unlocked after I finished Horrace II.
I didn't have to finish Delirium to unlock Bum.

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | May 9, 2008 12:27 PM

Arggh... hit send instead of preview.

I have absolutely no idea what to do with Bum. All the tools get me 'Miss' messages...

Delirium is cool

It's like the DeLorean from BTTF!!

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | May 9, 2008 12:36 PM

i'm having a weird glitchy sort of problem with karl in act 2.

i've pulled out my first coffee bag (the one on the right), sucked out the poison, and stapled the wound. i can cauterize the small poison cuts, but when i try to cauterize the large, stapled wound, it says MISSED! and karl dies. but i know i didn't miss! i've tried several times, and karl keeps dying. has anyone else had this problem?

Posted by: mixedmetaphor | May 9, 2008 3:16 PM

Is there any other way to get BUM besides Ranks or Score?

Posted by: a_hippy | May 9, 2008 5:02 PM

HELP! I am trying to beat Bleed on Act III (3) and I dont seem to have enough time. Someone mentioned hitting the tapeworm from under the skin but I dont know how to do that. Can anyone help???

Posted by: lvsoldier | May 9, 2008 5:22 PM

@mixedmetaphor: Certain misses, somehow related to the coffee bag wounds but I've never been inclined to experiment, kill Karl instantly. It seems likely that you tried to cauterize before the wound was stapled properly. It can be easy to get into the habit of stapling small holes only once but occasionally it's just not enough for the game.

Posted by: Black Drazon | May 9, 2008 5:33 PM

Question for everyone who's unlocked Bum: to test a theory, do you have any C's or D's? How many A's do you have? I figure Bum is related somehow to either the player's total score, C/D/E-count (probably "0 Cs and Ds") or A-count. The more info we have, the easier this'll be to work out.

Posted by: Black Drazon | May 9, 2008 5:43 PM

@ Black Drazon

In ACT 1 I have 8 A's and 2 B's
In ACT 2 I have 7 A's and 3 B's

and in ACT 3 I have 5 B's and 2 C's (Trent II and Horrace II)

I don't know if having many A's count but as I said before once I finished Horrace II I got the usual 'Mission complete' message and immediately after the 'Secret unlocked - Delirium' and 'Secret unlocked - Bum' notices.

But then maybe it's just that both secrets unlock once you finish the three acts...

Posted by: queen-of-diamonds | May 9, 2008 6:12 PM

Ok I finally beat Bleed on act 3! I can sleep now...lol

Posted by: lvsoldier | May 9, 2008 6:58 PM

I've beat the three acts, and beat delirium, but Bum is still locked. HELP!!!!! I need to finish the game!

Posted by: Dr Ma | May 9, 2008 9:37 PM

Hmm. Is it just me, or when during Peter's stage in Act III, things run way slower?

I was this close to beating the stage, but the lighter was going as fast as molasses :(

Posted by: calintz | May 9, 2008 11:39 PM

Just FYI, to anyone who is still curious about any of the secrets, here they are, both how to unlock them and how to beat them:

BUM:

Earn 1,000,000 points. Also, he wasn't available until Act 3 came out, even though there were some who had already earned 1,000,000 points. For most players, to do this requires you to beat the game and then go back and replay a few patients.
To beat BUM:
First, rub gel on the red button to open up the panel (yup, the metaphor is lubing someone's ass, I believe...). Then, gel the crusty brown spots where it looks like there's some damage. Then, vacuum up the brown liquid, and make sure you get all of it. Dump the brown liquid into the batteries using the brown dots on top of each one. Then use the lighter on each dot, and you'll be taken to the battery. Staple each yellow wire where it's broken, then shock each corner, then the power button in the center. Success! BUM will also treat you to some uncomfortable post-op dialogue.

Stuporman:

The easiest and first one you'll unlock. When you're operating on Donny, you'll notice that there's a new "pimp meter" on screen. To get Stuporman, you have to fill this up completely. To fill it, in addition to performing the surgery as usual, you need to put a staple on each of Donny's nipples (like piercings), and dot the "i" on the Pimp plate you put in his chest with a staple.
To beat Stuporman:
Cut him open, and use the itchy sketchy to find the chunks of craptonite. Cut them to the surface, and then remove them. Notice that his wounds will heal automatically after you remove the craptonite; he's really super after all! Back at the surface, the second cut in requires you to retrace a couple times with the cutter, as Stuporman is getting stronger. Inside is the same thing as the first stage, only this time you'll need to use the chainsaw. Finish this up, close the incision, and Stuporman will thank you.

DeLirium:

Beat the game, and DeLirium is your reward.
To Beat DeLirium:
As you might have guess from the name, DeLirium is basically the DeLorean from Back To The Future. This operation is somewhat difficult, as there is a lot of sawing involved, and no way to heal the car if you screw up, so be careful! First, saw open the hood, and go in for a look. For the two front pipes, saw them, remove their blockages, then replace the parts, burn, and gel. Notice that the blockage on the right pipe is a collar for "Einstein", aka Doc Brown's dog from BTTF. For the back two pipes, saw out the broken parts, replace, burn, and gel. Saw out the Mr. Fusion (remember the end of BTTF 1?), then put it back in with the stuff in it, burn, and gel. Finally, saw the line along the flux capacitor, and you're back at the hood. Replace the hood, burn, and gel, and you're done! The "heart rate" of The DeLirium will jump to 88 (as in 88 mph, the speed needed to make the DeLorean jump time in BTTF), and away it goes! The post-op dialogue is pretty hilarious.

Whew. Hope that helps!

Posted by: bc | May 10, 2008 2:13 AM

For those of you who are curious, like I was, about the plot aspects of the game, here's a plot synopsis (yes, I have no life):

Act One:
You are alan Probe, a pizza boy and wannabe surgeon. One day, while making a delivery, you accidentally hit Dr. Ignocious Bleed with your car. Dr. Bleed used to be a successful surgeon, but, for reasons you don't know, he has now become a cough syrup-addicted vagrant. After patching up Bleed, he agrees to become your mentor, and mentions that he once had a student with your talents. Throughout the level, you help out mostly criminals (remember, you are a back alley surgeon), using the crude tools at your disposal. Some patients mention a surgeon at the old, abandoned hospital, who was driven out of the profession after a number of his patients died. Bleed becomes very touchy when this is brought up.
At the end of the act, Bleed goes for a walk to clear his head, while you deal with Horrace, a creepy guy who ends up having an infestation of ants in his heart. He actually seems to like it...After healing him, a mysterious (and attractive) woman stops by, looking for "the surgeon", but it's not you. When you mention her to Bleed, he seems to think he might know who it is.
Act Two:
You continue to heal mostly criminals, and begin to realize that someone is purposefully hurting them. After working on Donny, a Pimp, he mentions that "some creepy French dude" might be responsible for all the hurt criminals. At the end of the act, you finally have the courage to confront Bleed with his past, and, while he agrees to tell you, it looks like you've got another patient...
Act Three:
Beginning right where Act Two left off, Trent from Act One is back, only this time, he tried to flash some woman and got stabbed repeatedly. Going to work on him, you'll notice that he also has an infestation of scorpions. It's gross, and it sets an appropriate tone for this last act.
Now, the mystery woman from Act One reappears. Her name is Aureola Svelte, and she's the one who's been attacking all the criminals! When you ask Bleed about her, he says that she wants to kill him, but also that he killed her parents. Time to go back to Dr. Bleed's old hospital.
After healing a few more criminals, Aureola shows up again and yells at you for ruining all her work. Bleed apologizes to Aureola for what he's done, but it turns out she doesn't even remember him, until he introduces himself. You see, she was looking for the man who was really responsible for the deaths of her parents: Horrace D'Obscene, aka Dwayne Pipe, Dr. Bleed's former pupil! He went into hiding after Aureola started going after him, comes back intending to kill you all.
The last three surgeries are all part of the final confrontation with Horrace/Dwayne. First, Aureola tried to use a bomb that you removed from Junk to kill Dwayne, but it accidentally blows up on her. After saving her, Bleed confronts Dwayne, and asks him why he went so evil and crazy. Dwayne responds that he has an appreciation for the poison needle that Dr. Bleed has, and, as a parting gift, he injects Bleed with the same poison that he used to sabotage Bleed's patients way back when. Rather than kill you, Dwayne leaves you to watch Bleed die and know that you couldn't save him.
Of course, you can and do save bleed. Dwayne ran for it before you started operating on Bleed, but luckily, he was caught by Officer Hack Brutality from Act Two. Brutality is going to continue with his beating, until you notice something...funny...going on in Dwayne's stomach. As you find out in your final operation, he is infested to the brim with all different kind of bugs: centipedes, spiders, ants, and, finally , scorpions. Finish up this one final surgery, and you can leave Dwayne at the mercy of Brutality, while going to a party with Bleed, Aureola, and some of the patients you've healed. Congratulations!

Posted by: bc | May 10, 2008 2:34 AM

How do you beat Horrace II on Act III (3) i cant do it!!

Posted by: michael1122 | May 10, 2008 11:02 AM

I'm getting some weird glitch on the DeLirium where I take out the third pipe and it doesn't give me a piece to replace it with. Anybody happen to know how to avoid this?

Posted by: skoodge80 | May 10, 2008 5:17 PM

Has anybody managed to get an A on Guts in Act I?

I have gotten Awesome and Great throughout the surgery, and completed it in less than a minute, and yet I only get a B. :(

Posted by: ThemePark | May 10, 2008 6:56 PM

@michael1122, here's my strategy for Horrace:

Thanks to Brutality, Horrace/Dwayne starts out at 20 on the health meter. Don't bother to heal him, as you'll be having to shock him down to 0/5 soon enough. Basically, Dwayne is occupied by a superbug that will morph into every nasty creature you have dealt with so far. Make the first cut into the lungs. You should see a pattern of small cuts, similar to the ones that track the motion of a tapeworm. You need to shock the patient near one of these cuts, to get a centipede to surface. IMMEDIATELY use the chainsaw on him before he can go back under the surface, and he'll turn into the queen spider. Shock the queen, then the patient to revive him to 5. Close up the cuts that the centipede made, and heal the patient up to around 65-80. Use the itchy-sketchy to the find the spider nest. Now, it's just like on Peter II, only instead of three nests, there are only two before the queen dies. Remember that, in addition to the two poison pockets that surface with each nest, the Queen Spider leaves behind two of her own when she dies. Finish this up and go back to the surface. The second chamber is the kidneys. Once again, you need to shock the centipede to the surface, and chainsaw him. This time, he'll turn into the Queen Ant. Shock her, then go about sealing up the centipeded cuts and heal the patient to a decent health level. Personally, I only healed him to about 15, as I also inevitably shock him again with the ant nests. Now, what you're dealing with is just like Horrace from act 1, except that there are two nests before the queen dies, not three. Finish off the ants, and go back to the surface. Lastly, you'll be venturing to the heart. Once again, don't bother to heal beforehand as you have to do the shock-saw trick on the centipede one more time. This time, the centipede turns into a Queen Scorpion. You now have to heal the patient from 5 on the vitals, keeping in mind that the Queen Scorpion will not go beneath the surface and leave you alone like the Spider and the Ant. Wait to kill the Queen until after you have the patient up to about 65-80 vitals, as she doesn't do as much damage as the normal scorpions. Chainsaw her every so often to prevent her from making too many cuts, and try to close up the cuts she makes before killing her. Once you've killed her, immediately cut and suck up the poison she leaves behind. Then, go wild on the normal scorpions. This method won't get you the best score, but if you tackle the three normal scorpions one at a time, they'll make so many small cuts it'll be next to impossible to see what you're doing, not to mention have the time or health to do it. Once you're finished killing the normal scorpions, cut and suck their poison up, two at a time. Now, you should be left with a bunch of small cuts, which you'll need to burn and gel. Finish this, and congratulations: you beat the game!

@skoodge80: that's a glitch for that level. If you want to play DeLirium again, refresh the browser window.

Posted by: bc | May 10, 2008 7:09 PM

I'm having issues with junk for act 3....
WHat pins are we supposed to remove and how...i cant figure it out and it doesnt work no matter what i do.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 10, 2008 9:51 PM

this game is so addictive..
i finished act 1 and 2 within a day [although i can't say the grades are great..C average]
i know act 3 has only been out for a few days
but i've gotten past trent..i'm having a HUGE problem with peter..
each time i try to zap the middle to zap the spider, there ends up to be another one when i'm done with removing the poison and fixing the cuts..how can i do this without wasting time >_<

Posted by: Anonymous | May 10, 2008 10:57 PM

This game is amazing, considering how angry I often got on a few of the patients.
By far one of the most addicting games,
And a need for any gamer.
Truly a work of art.

Posted by: Something More Friendly | May 11, 2008 2:45 PM

to unlock Bum you must reach 1,000,000 pointsT

Posted by: Jake Thompson | May 11, 2008 5:45 PM

i cant do brutality on act 2. what are the purple cloud things?

Posted by: Vergil | May 11, 2008 7:00 PM

I can't beat Claude it takes too long and not enough time. How do i beat him?

Posted by: draco of death | May 11, 2008 10:33 PM

is everyone serious about 1 mil to get bum? i have stuporman and delirium..
i beat the whole game but i only have 460k
i can't imagine how many people to redo to get to 1 mil haha

Posted by: shortii | May 11, 2008 10:48 PM

not to sound dumb but what the heck do u do with the balloon inside of henchman... i have no idea what i need to do

Posted by: Anonymous | May 11, 2008 10:48 PM

Good god... am I the only one struggling with this game? Maybe it's because I'm using a laptop touchpad but goddamn this is giving me trouble... I cannot get the chainsaw right AT ALL for Guts in ACT 1... if you're saying act 3 is HARDER I don't know how I am going to get through this... so frustrating... I might just buy a mouse so I can play this game.

Posted by: Mr. T | May 12, 2008 12:04 AM

Something like that, shortii. I did get 1,010,000 without getting Bum and had used 69 minutes, but once I improved on another of my patients, I had 1,040,000, had used 68 minutes, and Bum got unlocked.

Posted by: ThemePark | May 12, 2008 5:09 AM

Argh!
My game is not being saved. All I can do once I've quit is start a new game.
Any ideas why? When I played the game the for the first time a few weeks ago it worked allright.

Posted by: pho | May 12, 2008 12:51 PM

I'm having some real trouble with Junk in act3. I cut the wires, pull out the pins, but what am I supposed to do next? I know it has something to do with the fuses but what exactly?

Posted by: Leah | May 12, 2008 2:02 PM

back to the beginning -- i'm trying to improve my scores and hopefully unlock some secret characters. it sounds like no one else has had a problem getting higher than a B on dr. bleed, but... i do everything perfectly, and when i finish replacing the ribs, i just get "ok". should i be going faster? putting them back in order? what, what, what?

Posted by: mixedmetaphor | May 12, 2008 2:56 PM

mixedmetaphor, not that it helps, but know that you are not alone on Dr. Bleed. I asked that same question, and I am still stuck on getting an A for him for the exact same reason. :-S But he's not necessary to get the secret characters anyway.

Leah, you're supposed to burn the fuses with the lighter.

Posted by: ThemePark | May 12, 2008 3:52 PM

I am working on Animal I need to know what I should do once I removed the bones and the shades. There is a skull and or hips or something what do I do next. Please help love thisssssss game

Posted by: Naughty | May 12, 2008 5:57 PM

Peter in act III is impossible!

It's fine until I cut open the stomach and everything goes in slow motion. By the time I've killed the queen, Peter's heart gives out before I can inject him with pain-be-gone. It does this even if i get his heart up before I cut open the nest for the 3rd time!

Posted by: Anonymous | May 12, 2008 7:39 PM

I need some help with BUM.

Now that I've unlocked him I put the gel on the red spot and then I vacuum and fill the batteries. However, after I do that and use the lighter on the batteries they just start a fire and I have no way of putting it out or advancing to the next part of the character. Am I doing something wrong or is this a glitch?

Thanks for your help.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 12, 2008 10:08 PM

omg that peter in act 3 has like a million tumors!!! keep running out of time

Posted by: jt | May 13, 2008 12:37 AM

Anonymous, you're supposed to fire up the batteries. Once you've done that to all 3 batteries, you'll progress to the next part.

Posted by: ThemePark | May 13, 2008 6:33 AM

Ok, so i have completed everything exept bum but everytime i go back to do a patient again, to bring my points up, they dont go up. It stays at 604k! Do i have to better my highest score on that patient or what? Anyone got the same problem?

Posted by: a.k | May 13, 2008 11:41 AM

Any advice on Bleed in Act III would be a god send. Can happily get to the tape worm but just shocking him is taking longer than usual and the build up of small cuts always kills of my patient. Did someone mention attacking the worm before it raises its head?

Posted by: Crauf | May 13, 2008 2:37 PM

Crauf, I was having a similar problem, I don't know if this will help

Try zapping the worm 3 times the first time he pops up then 2 times the second time that should kill him and if your vitals are high enough you should have time to heal up before removing it

Posted by: a.k | May 13, 2008 3:18 PM

ThemePark, thanks for the reply but it seems I'm still stuck. I use the lighter a on all three batteries and after the fires are started nothing happens (i get OKs and Awesomes after lighting the fires). I'm just stuck staring at a screen with 3 full batteries that are on fire at each brown dot then nothing I do will change anything. It's just stuck there it seems like. Am I still missing something or is this a problem?

Thanks for the help

Posted by: Anonymous | May 13, 2008 3:44 PM

ThemePark, nevermind disregard that last question. I figured it out.

I didn't know you had to heal the brown crust with the gel before you could advance.

Thanks again

Posted by: Anonymous | May 13, 2008 3:56 PM

a.k- you do need to beat your highest score on a patient to increase your overall score.

try redoing henchman and boss but use about 4 pain relief corkscrews at the very beginning. If you don't do anything wrong you can get over 100000 points just on the first boss.

Posted by: pondlife | May 13, 2008 5:46 PM

any advice for Peter in act 3 would help
ive been at this guy for 2days now!!!

Posted by: jt | May 14, 2008 2:13 AM

Thanks bc Your a real help

Posted by: A Hippy | May 14, 2008 3:13 PM

pondlife- thanks for the tip just got to bum

Posted by: a.k | May 14, 2008 4:54 PM

Heres a great tip for Dwayne that involves not stopping his heart.

Instead of shocking him to get the centipede out, you can just use the chainsaw. But you have to time it carefully, and be very accurate. As soon as you see a new cut, use the chainsaw on it and it should cut the centipede right in half. This way you don't have to stop his hart all the time and makes the mission much easier.

Posted by: melbell | May 14, 2008 5:29 PM

I've finally unlocked bum...I had around 1,080,000 points but he didn't unlock until I had 10 A's. I had used just a little over 70:00 for the entire game. He's really not as great as everyone thinks though...I was a little dissappointed but I'm glad I finally finished the game :)

Posted by: heather | May 15, 2008 10:38 PM

Just to clarify:

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SHOCK HORRACE IN PART 3 TO GET THE BUGS OUT FROM UNDER THE SKIN!!! If you chainsaw it kills them, then you do the shocking as you have in other levels. This way you also don't drop your vitals down to 0 or 5.

Posted by: Liz | May 16, 2008 1:38 AM

I am having the worst time with Peter on Act III (3) I've been trying to figure out what to do but after so long I give up.

This is what I do I go in fix the sacks. I go in (this is my problem) and I find the first spot of the queen... now should I get rid of the poison then shock her? or shock her and then work on the poision?

Either I run out of time or he bleeds to death... any ideas on how to help?!

Posted by: becca | May 16, 2008 4:39 AM

help me!!i can't bet peter on level 3!!

Posted by: mala | May 16, 2008 9:05 AM

Its really ticking me off in Delerium about the pipe thing. UGH!!! It keeps doing it when I'm doing really well.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 16, 2008 4:59 PM

So, I am stuck on the henchman/boss, I'm almost done, however I have no idea how to close up the heart, or take out the crown, what do you do after you killed the leeches, closed up those holes, and the heart is open with the crown still in? Please help!

Posted by: HaHA | May 16, 2008 8:17 PM

I have a glitch on animal!!! I got all the stuf out of the stomach, and i can't leave!!! AHH

Posted by: lololol | May 16, 2008 11:17 PM

HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE MAKING ALL A'S ON THIS? I'M BARELY MAKING B'S ON SOME AND C'S ON MOST!!! I've gone back and redone almost every character doing the very best I can now that I've beaten the game, and yet my grades do not improve! What have the people with A's and B's been doing?

Posted by: Liz | May 17, 2008 2:26 AM

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